Hubby and I have been struck down with food poisoning for the last two days. We suspect it was the sushi we order from a new place on Monday, though it's kind of odd that it didn't hit us until Wednesday morning. As someone who has not thrown up in over 10 years, it was a shock to my system how violent it can be. Every single muscle in your body tightens up and forces "the bad stuff" out of your body. And the rest of the time, you're just in misery until your body is ready to release again. It's horrible.
Timing wise, it hit me in Wednesday morning as I was getting up for work - so that was the only good thing. I just stayed home to rest. Hubby was feeling "off" in the morning, but not bad. He was able to bring Connor to day care before heading off to work. By noon, he was home too.
Awful.
Today was a little better for me. I had more energy and was able to bring Connor to day care and get him ready for their pot luck/Halloween party in between meetings. No coffee for me today, but I did enjoy a nice cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks in the afternoon. Surprising good!
As we wind down the day, I'm thankful to be making a fairly quick recovery. Tummy is still sensitive, but I'm glad to have some energy to take care of my family. No sick days from being a parent.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Loss
On Friday, February 15, my maternal grandmother passed away. She would have been 91 on Feb 28.
I mourn the loss of my last grandparent. My beloved grandfather passed in 1991. He was 79 years old. I had just finished my freshman year at SDSU, and came back that night to the devastating news.
My last memories of him are happy ones. Hearing his voice tell me he loved me when I spoke for him for the last time on the phone. And the last time I saw him was when he was waving goodbye to me from the window of his home as my parents drove us away after dinner that night.
Those are cherished memories.
With my grandmother, the feelings are a little different. She had been in a nursing home for almost three years. With each visit, we saw her quality of life diminish until her final days where she barely acknowledged our presence. As my mom explained, grandma became very depressed. Understandably, any new friends she made at the home, well, they passed. We weren't able to see her as often as we would have liked. Any colds in the family prevented us from visiting her in her delicate health.
Having a new son, her great grandson, in day care led to even more colds and mysterious viruses that prevented me from seeing her. Fortunately, she did meet him several times.
During his first visit, he grabbed onto her hand and started smiling immediately. I hadn't seen grandma smile in years, but she was beaming that day. It was a beautiful moment, and I only wish there were more of them. My boy just stared and smiled, and kept reaching for her hand.
My son will never remember his great-grandma, but I will make sure he knows her through pictures. We made sure to get a four generation picture at Christmas.
With grandma's passing comes great relief within the family. Sounds horrible, but I mean that she is finally at peace. It was difficult seeing her deteriorate the last few months. She lost interest in food, and ultimately, stopped eating completely in the final days of her life. She went to sleep and never woke up.
My mother is an incredibly strong woman, and in this loss of her own mother, she only worries about me and how I am handling it. I can't believe her. Here I am worried about her. My mother is my best friend. I don't want to even humor the thought of losing her.
I hope now with grandma's passing that my mom can find peace and can breathe freely. She was a dedicated daughter who did all she could for her mother, before and after grandma had to move to a nursing home because of health reasons.
A prayer for my grandmother: Po Po, I hope that you have found peace and that you have reunited with your family in Heaven. Please don't worry about us. We are a strong family and will support each other in every way. We mourn our loss, but we take comfort in knowing that your suffering has ended. That you are once again running and laughing and enjoying 'life'. We love you and will miss you until we see each other again one day.
I mourn the loss of my last grandparent. My beloved grandfather passed in 1991. He was 79 years old. I had just finished my freshman year at SDSU, and came back that night to the devastating news.
My last memories of him are happy ones. Hearing his voice tell me he loved me when I spoke for him for the last time on the phone. And the last time I saw him was when he was waving goodbye to me from the window of his home as my parents drove us away after dinner that night.
Those are cherished memories.
With my grandmother, the feelings are a little different. She had been in a nursing home for almost three years. With each visit, we saw her quality of life diminish until her final days where she barely acknowledged our presence. As my mom explained, grandma became very depressed. Understandably, any new friends she made at the home, well, they passed. We weren't able to see her as often as we would have liked. Any colds in the family prevented us from visiting her in her delicate health.
Having a new son, her great grandson, in day care led to even more colds and mysterious viruses that prevented me from seeing her. Fortunately, she did meet him several times.
During his first visit, he grabbed onto her hand and started smiling immediately. I hadn't seen grandma smile in years, but she was beaming that day. It was a beautiful moment, and I only wish there were more of them. My boy just stared and smiled, and kept reaching for her hand.
My son will never remember his great-grandma, but I will make sure he knows her through pictures. We made sure to get a four generation picture at Christmas.
With grandma's passing comes great relief within the family. Sounds horrible, but I mean that she is finally at peace. It was difficult seeing her deteriorate the last few months. She lost interest in food, and ultimately, stopped eating completely in the final days of her life. She went to sleep and never woke up.
My mother is an incredibly strong woman, and in this loss of her own mother, she only worries about me and how I am handling it. I can't believe her. Here I am worried about her. My mother is my best friend. I don't want to even humor the thought of losing her.
I hope now with grandma's passing that my mom can find peace and can breathe freely. She was a dedicated daughter who did all she could for her mother, before and after grandma had to move to a nursing home because of health reasons.
A prayer for my grandmother: Po Po, I hope that you have found peace and that you have reunited with your family in Heaven. Please don't worry about us. We are a strong family and will support each other in every way. We mourn our loss, but we take comfort in knowing that your suffering has ended. That you are once again running and laughing and enjoying 'life'. We love you and will miss you until we see each other again one day.
Tales of old
How often do I hear my mother tell stories about me as a baby or a little girl? A lot. Over the years, there are the occasional new stories, but for the most part, it is the same few stories repeated with as much enthusiasm as if it were being told for the first time. I admit, my first response is usually, "oh not again."
And finally, now that I have my own child, I get it. As a mother, there are moments in your child's life that only you will experience. Whether it's the first time your baby wraps his delicate, but surprisingly strong, fingers around yours. Or the moment you raised a spoon of "whatever puree" to your baby's mouth and watched his expression of tasting something other than breast milk for the first time in his life. Those are your moments. And unfortunately, you will be the only one who remembers them.
These moments I had with my son, though experienced not long ago, are already treasured memories. One day, it will be my turn to look back and in an attempt to relive those moments again, I will be telling (and retelling) my grown son these stories.
Already I've been sharing my "favorites" with friends.
Connor is at the age of crawling. He hasn't quite mastered doing it on his knees yet. He, more or less, shimmies on his tummy - pushing off with his feet. My husband calls it the "commando crawl." One day, Connor and I were on the floor and he started to shimmy away from me. He got about 3 feet when I grabbed both of his ankles and pulled him back towards me. That didn't stop him - he just started crawling again. Again, at about 3 feet, I pull him back to me. And again, he started crawling away from me. By this time, I wanted to see how many times we would play this game. Once more I pulled him back to me. This time, he paused for a short moment, and then started flapping both arms and kicked legs, and let out a whine of frustration. It was hilarious.
I may have told this story once or twice... but it was a wonderful little moment I shared with my son, and I want to relive it over and over. I've become my mother.
And finally, now that I have my own child, I get it. As a mother, there are moments in your child's life that only you will experience. Whether it's the first time your baby wraps his delicate, but surprisingly strong, fingers around yours. Or the moment you raised a spoon of "whatever puree" to your baby's mouth and watched his expression of tasting something other than breast milk for the first time in his life. Those are your moments. And unfortunately, you will be the only one who remembers them.
These moments I had with my son, though experienced not long ago, are already treasured memories. One day, it will be my turn to look back and in an attempt to relive those moments again, I will be telling (and retelling) my grown son these stories.
Already I've been sharing my "favorites" with friends.
Connor is at the age of crawling. He hasn't quite mastered doing it on his knees yet. He, more or less, shimmies on his tummy - pushing off with his feet. My husband calls it the "commando crawl." One day, Connor and I were on the floor and he started to shimmy away from me. He got about 3 feet when I grabbed both of his ankles and pulled him back towards me. That didn't stop him - he just started crawling again. Again, at about 3 feet, I pull him back to me. And again, he started crawling away from me. By this time, I wanted to see how many times we would play this game. Once more I pulled him back to me. This time, he paused for a short moment, and then started flapping both arms and kicked legs, and let out a whine of frustration. It was hilarious.
I may have told this story once or twice... but it was a wonderful little moment I shared with my son, and I want to relive it over and over. I've become my mother.
Friday, August 03, 2012
A motherly rant
When did society become so quick to judge and push that what feels right for one is right for ALL? We've become so afraid of everything, it's ridiculous. Is this generation so screwed up by things our parents did when we were children that this is a backlash against how we were raised?
These are the hot topics that irk me every time I read an article about them. I've learned to skip those articles now.
Harness = leash
Playpen = cage
Formula feeding = you're a bad mother
Spanking = you're an abusive parent
Antibacterial everything = you're protecting your child from germs.
If my son is a runner, hell yeah I'm putting the harness on him. Better to pull him back if he starts running across the street and I'm not quick enough to pull him back in time. And spare me the "you should teach your kid..." lecture. A toddler running is a toddler running. No time for hoping your teachings kick in before he steps off the curb. How many kids have you seen break off from their parent who wants to hold their hand because they want to walk alone? The parent may grab their hand again, but for that brief moment, that kid was free to run. You have to know your child and discipline as such. No two children are the same. I'd like to think that if I wasn't holding my son's hand, he would just stand there next to me.
Playpen = yes, we have ours ready. We have a small condo with no storage. Until my son learns what is ok to touch and not to touch, occasionally he will be in the playpen while mama takes a shower or needs to do something that requires her not to be like a hawk on him ever second.
Formula vs. breastmilk, every family has a different preference and reason, and it's their choice. Butt out of their business. One is not less of a mother if they chose to use formula. I was a formula baby and I know that my mother loved/loves me beyond words. Currently, I am breastfeeding my son, and I love him just as much.
Spanking = if my kid is bad, yes, there will be spanking. I will not beat the sh*t out of my child, but if needed, I will spank. I was spanked as a child. I am not mentally scarred for life. I do not consider myself abused as a child. I was spanked when I was bad.
Germs = my son needs to build up an immune system. A kid is going to get dirty. I'm not one to have everyone bathe in hand sanitizer before coming over to visit and play with my son.
In my own opinion, we're raising a generation to be afraid of everything. I don't want my son to live like that. Of course, I am aware of various diseases and such, and he will get the vaccinations he needs. He will wash his hands after playing in the park, but I'm not going to be spritzing his hands with sanitizer after he touches everything. Sometimes too much is enough - and there's just too much judgement of others.
I feel I've been a good mother since I learned I was pregnant with my son, and I will continue to be a good mother as he grows up.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
It's a boy!
On May 30th at 7:43AM, we welcomed Connor Dylan to our family. He's a beautiful baby boy. An impressive 8lbs 6oz and 21" long. He has a full head of black wavy hair, and dark, almost black, eyes.
So what happened on his birthday? I had been feeling tightness in my belly for almost a month, so I didn't really think anything of it anymore. However, the morning of May 30th, around 4AM, something just didn't feel right. I was so uncomfortable. I couldn't sleep. After being annoyed for a few hours and realizing sleep just wasn't going to happen, it slowly dawned on me that the tightness was getting stronger and happening in regular intervals. But I couldn't possibly be in labor. I was supposed to have lunch with a friend that day, and we had scheduled a c-section in two more days. That's how a sleep deprived mind thinks. Thanks to my handy iPhone app, I determined that the tightness was probably a contraction and that they were definitely about 5 minutes apart.
Brilliant me, I lay there in bed trying to convince myself that this couldn't really be happening.
Around 5AM, hubby stirred and I told him that I might be in labor. We called the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital and they said come in "now".
Well, of course I had to shower first. If I was going to have this baby today, I was going in fresh and clean. I did skip the make-up, so at least I wasn't being too vain. A quick, last photo of the "two" of us and we were out the door, suitcase in hand.
During our 15 minute drive to the hospital, the contractions got stronger. I was still OK, but I did have to take some deep breaths. When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse was walking toward me in the lobby and asked if I was Denise. Yes. "Well, thank goodness. We were getting worried that you weren't here yet." Sheepish grin. "I had to shower first..."
Quick elevator ride to L&D and within 15 minutes I was being hooked up to monitors and getting "checked." No time to waste. I was 7 cm dilated already. WHAT???
Long story short - I arrived at the hospital a little after 6AM and Connor was born via c-section at 7:43AM.
In a way, I'm happy it worked out this way. I would have been so anxious if we have gone to through the scheduled c-section two days later. As it happens, I had no time to panic. I was prepped, brought to the OR, and before I knew it, hubby was by my side. After some small chit chat with the doctors, I finally asked, "Are they going to start yet?"
"Oh, they're already in. Get your camera ready. The baby will be out soon." WHOA! Before I knew it, hubby was snapping pictures of whatever was going on on the other side of the tarp blocking my view. A few more seconds later, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world. My baby crying. Not a long WAAAAHHH like I expected, but a short yell. Then a silence that was probably only a few seconds, but to me it felt like forever and I started to panic. Then there was more crying. Thank goodness.
After weighing him and checking on vitals, Connor was swaddled up and handed to my hubby. Father and son together for the first time. It was amazing - even from my upside-down view. I didn't get to hold Connor right away, but that's OK. I touched his beautiful little face and told him how much we loved him.
At that point, Connor was taken to the NICU for observation, and I had to be put back together. The last time I went through this, I was in great pain. I mean, yelling for drugs pain. This time, it was still incredibly uncomfortable as they were putting things back where they belong and patching me up, but all I cared about was that my son was here - and in a short while, he would be in my arms.
It's a new adventure for all of us. There's nothing to prepare you for parenthood. The feelings you experience looking at your child for the first time. Reality sets in that in just a few short days, you will be sent home - and that's it. You have a child to raise.
Be as it may, at this moment, all I want to do is love my boy.
So what happened on his birthday? I had been feeling tightness in my belly for almost a month, so I didn't really think anything of it anymore. However, the morning of May 30th, around 4AM, something just didn't feel right. I was so uncomfortable. I couldn't sleep. After being annoyed for a few hours and realizing sleep just wasn't going to happen, it slowly dawned on me that the tightness was getting stronger and happening in regular intervals. But I couldn't possibly be in labor. I was supposed to have lunch with a friend that day, and we had scheduled a c-section in two more days. That's how a sleep deprived mind thinks. Thanks to my handy iPhone app, I determined that the tightness was probably a contraction and that they were definitely about 5 minutes apart.
Brilliant me, I lay there in bed trying to convince myself that this couldn't really be happening.
Around 5AM, hubby stirred and I told him that I might be in labor. We called the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital and they said come in "now".
Well, of course I had to shower first. If I was going to have this baby today, I was going in fresh and clean. I did skip the make-up, so at least I wasn't being too vain. A quick, last photo of the "two" of us and we were out the door, suitcase in hand.
During our 15 minute drive to the hospital, the contractions got stronger. I was still OK, but I did have to take some deep breaths. When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse was walking toward me in the lobby and asked if I was Denise. Yes. "Well, thank goodness. We were getting worried that you weren't here yet." Sheepish grin. "I had to shower first..."
Quick elevator ride to L&D and within 15 minutes I was being hooked up to monitors and getting "checked." No time to waste. I was 7 cm dilated already. WHAT???
Long story short - I arrived at the hospital a little after 6AM and Connor was born via c-section at 7:43AM.
In a way, I'm happy it worked out this way. I would have been so anxious if we have gone to through the scheduled c-section two days later. As it happens, I had no time to panic. I was prepped, brought to the OR, and before I knew it, hubby was by my side. After some small chit chat with the doctors, I finally asked, "Are they going to start yet?"
"Oh, they're already in. Get your camera ready. The baby will be out soon." WHOA! Before I knew it, hubby was snapping pictures of whatever was going on on the other side of the tarp blocking my view. A few more seconds later, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world. My baby crying. Not a long WAAAAHHH like I expected, but a short yell. Then a silence that was probably only a few seconds, but to me it felt like forever and I started to panic. Then there was more crying. Thank goodness.
After weighing him and checking on vitals, Connor was swaddled up and handed to my hubby. Father and son together for the first time. It was amazing - even from my upside-down view. I didn't get to hold Connor right away, but that's OK. I touched his beautiful little face and told him how much we loved him.
At that point, Connor was taken to the NICU for observation, and I had to be put back together. The last time I went through this, I was in great pain. I mean, yelling for drugs pain. This time, it was still incredibly uncomfortable as they were putting things back where they belong and patching me up, but all I cared about was that my son was here - and in a short while, he would be in my arms.
It's a new adventure for all of us. There's nothing to prepare you for parenthood. The feelings you experience looking at your child for the first time. Reality sets in that in just a few short days, you will be sent home - and that's it. You have a child to raise.
Be as it may, at this moment, all I want to do is love my boy.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
To my dearest Dylan...
My dear baby girl, in a couple of weeks your little brother will be joining our family. Not a day has gone by in the last year that I don't wish you were here. How different things would be if we had been able to do something that would have helped you to stay with us.
We would have celebrated your first birthday and you'd probably be walking and talking by now. I see other families on the street with their baby girls and my heart aches for you, my angel.
As Connor gets ready to make his grand entrance to the world. we've been preparing for life with baby. So many things we planned for last year, but stopped, we had to complete now.
I actually had a baby shower. So many caring friends who mourned with us last year, gathered this year to celebrate in anticipation of your little brother. Friday was my last day at work. I've officially started my maternity leave. Your memory still in everyone's hearts, but they look forward to a new life for this little family - one that will start with tears of happiness this time. I want to do the same, but it's so very hard. I don't want to let you go.
I look around at what would have been your room and see all the cute pink things now replaced with blues and greens. Your little leopard shoes are now storage. In their place on the shelf, a little bunny dressed in blue. A little bit of you for your little brother. You were my little bunny. Connor will be year of the Dragon.
Oh my Dylan, how much I wish you were here in my arms today. How I wish there was something I could have done for you. All I can do is believe that you know how much you are loved, and that you will always be remembered as our first child. Our precious baby girl.
I love you. Forever and always.
We would have celebrated your first birthday and you'd probably be walking and talking by now. I see other families on the street with their baby girls and my heart aches for you, my angel.
As Connor gets ready to make his grand entrance to the world. we've been preparing for life with baby. So many things we planned for last year, but stopped, we had to complete now.
I actually had a baby shower. So many caring friends who mourned with us last year, gathered this year to celebrate in anticipation of your little brother. Friday was my last day at work. I've officially started my maternity leave. Your memory still in everyone's hearts, but they look forward to a new life for this little family - one that will start with tears of happiness this time. I want to do the same, but it's so very hard. I don't want to let you go.
I look around at what would have been your room and see all the cute pink things now replaced with blues and greens. Your little leopard shoes are now storage. In their place on the shelf, a little bunny dressed in blue. A little bit of you for your little brother. You were my little bunny. Connor will be year of the Dragon.
Oh my Dylan, how much I wish you were here in my arms today. How I wish there was something I could have done for you. All I can do is believe that you know how much you are loved, and that you will always be remembered as our first child. Our precious baby girl.
I love you. Forever and always.
Friday, April 27, 2012
The countdown begins
It's been an emotional journey, and we haven't even reached the end yet. In all ways, this is just the beginning. There have been many, many tears during the last 8 months. Most of them in memory of my little girl.
April 5th would have been Dylan's birthday. Instead of a big one year celebration, my husband and I had a quiet evening thinking back on the year that still seems so surreal to us. We each silently wished our baby girl birthday wishes and felt blessed that we had her for 25 hours.
In celebrating her birthday, we knew that we would mourning our loss the next day. It was a difficult two days to get through. For me, I buried myself in my work and somehow I realized I was able to survive my first year without my daughter.
Today, April 27th, I look forward to the memory of walking down the aisle 11 years tomorrow to marry my best friend. We didn't have the big celebration that I thought we would last year for our 10th anniversary - but you know...
This year, we will start off our day at a baby class to learn how to bathe and diaper our baby one day. Yes, we are clueless parents-to-be, but we're trying! Afterward, we will go back to where we began our journey together and have dinner the Lafayette Park Hotel. Maybe we'll see another couple starting their life together with a wedding in the courtyard. It is April and a Saturday. It will be heartwarming to see that.
We have 5 weeks left to go! Our baby boy is due on June 1st. Are we ready? No. Will we ever be? No. All I know is that we cannot wait to meet the little guy and to give him so much love. Our whole family is very excited and I know when he takes his first breath and lets out his first sounds, I will finally be able to breathe again.
April 5th would have been Dylan's birthday. Instead of a big one year celebration, my husband and I had a quiet evening thinking back on the year that still seems so surreal to us. We each silently wished our baby girl birthday wishes and felt blessed that we had her for 25 hours.
In celebrating her birthday, we knew that we would mourning our loss the next day. It was a difficult two days to get through. For me, I buried myself in my work and somehow I realized I was able to survive my first year without my daughter.
Today, April 27th, I look forward to the memory of walking down the aisle 11 years tomorrow to marry my best friend. We didn't have the big celebration that I thought we would last year for our 10th anniversary - but you know...
This year, we will start off our day at a baby class to learn how to bathe and diaper our baby one day. Yes, we are clueless parents-to-be, but we're trying! Afterward, we will go back to where we began our journey together and have dinner the Lafayette Park Hotel. Maybe we'll see another couple starting their life together with a wedding in the courtyard. It is April and a Saturday. It will be heartwarming to see that.
We have 5 weeks left to go! Our baby boy is due on June 1st. Are we ready? No. Will we ever be? No. All I know is that we cannot wait to meet the little guy and to give him so much love. Our whole family is very excited and I know when he takes his first breath and lets out his first sounds, I will finally be able to breathe again.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Week 30
We've reached week 30. I can hardly believe it. Last year at this time, at 29 weeks, we were given the news that our baby girl had congenital heart disease. I was also going into preterm labor and was in the hospital for a week. We didn't know if Dylan was going to be born two months early and if we were going to lose her right there and then. From that point, it became a daily waiting game.
Ultimately, we had to say goodbye to our Dylan after just 25 hours of being born. Our world crashed down and we've struggled to go back to a normal life.
A few months later, we were blessed with the surprise of being pregnant again. This time, with a boy. To be honest, I was crushed, because I wanted my Dylan back so much - I wanted a girl. And in feeling that, I am so guilty for not loving this boy from start for who he is - not who wasn't able to replace for me.
There is no replacement of Dylan. I realize that. And this little boy will be her younger brother. She will watch over him and protect him as only a big sister can.
Ultimately, we had to say goodbye to our Dylan after just 25 hours of being born. Our world crashed down and we've struggled to go back to a normal life.
A few months later, we were blessed with the surprise of being pregnant again. This time, with a boy. To be honest, I was crushed, because I wanted my Dylan back so much - I wanted a girl. And in feeling that, I am so guilty for not loving this boy from start for who he is - not who wasn't able to replace for me.
There is no replacement of Dylan. I realize that. And this little boy will be her younger brother. She will watch over him and protect him as only a big sister can.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
The year of anniversaries begins...
Feb 4, 2011 - we went in for a routine third trimester ultrasound. We saw our little girl on the screen and wondered at how big she was growing and looked forward to her arrival in two more months.
Before we knew what was happening, I was apparently in pre-term labor, so I was being admitted to the hospital immediately. Something didn't look right with the baby's heart and tests were being ordered. Specialists being called in. Thus began a week's stay at the hospital and our nightmare journey to try to save our baby.
We know where that story ended, but it's hard to believe all that began a year ago today. The happiness we felt, the hope and future family with our little Dylan - all changed with one appointment, and we will never be the same.
We move on today with the anticipation of a little boy joining our family in June. Dylan's little brother. Still, the next couple of months will be hard to get through. Too many memories, and none of them good. Wishing to forget would mean forgetting about my little girl and I can't do that.
I miss my Dylan so much.
Before we knew what was happening, I was apparently in pre-term labor, so I was being admitted to the hospital immediately. Something didn't look right with the baby's heart and tests were being ordered. Specialists being called in. Thus began a week's stay at the hospital and our nightmare journey to try to save our baby.
We know where that story ended, but it's hard to believe all that began a year ago today. The happiness we felt, the hope and future family with our little Dylan - all changed with one appointment, and we will never be the same.
We move on today with the anticipation of a little boy joining our family in June. Dylan's little brother. Still, the next couple of months will be hard to get through. Too many memories, and none of them good. Wishing to forget would mean forgetting about my little girl and I can't do that.
I miss my Dylan so much.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A Father's Day Wish
Though her time with us was short, Dylan was loved beyond words. From the moment we found out we were having a girl, she immediately became mommy's and daddy's girl before we even left the ultrasound appointment. She was loved from the moment we found out we were pregnant.
I want to give my husband a special father's day message. For 38 weeks, you showed love for someone you hadn't even met yet. The joy had from feeling her kick in my belly, to seeing her "wave" to us from the ultrasounds... to the worry when we found out there was something wrong. You stayed strong for all of us. When you held her for the first and only time, however sad, you gave her all your love. We made the hardest decision any parent can make, and we did that with Dylan in our hearts.
It's a different father's day for us. It's one of love for a child who is no longer with us. She never had a chance to get to know how much love was waiting her for when she arrived, but as an angel, I want to believe she knows now. She will always be daddy's and mommy's girl.
I want to give my husband a special father's day message. For 38 weeks, you showed love for someone you hadn't even met yet. The joy had from feeling her kick in my belly, to seeing her "wave" to us from the ultrasounds... to the worry when we found out there was something wrong. You stayed strong for all of us. When you held her for the first and only time, however sad, you gave her all your love. We made the hardest decision any parent can make, and we did that with Dylan in our hearts.
It's a different father's day for us. It's one of love for a child who is no longer with us. She never had a chance to get to know how much love was waiting her for when she arrived, but as an angel, I want to believe she knows now. She will always be daddy's and mommy's girl.
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Back to life
June 1st marked the start of a new month and a new 'normal' life. After four months off from work, I walked back into the chaos and pressures that I abruptly left not so long ago. I do have to say, I'm glad I visited my friends at the office a couple of times in the last month, because those definitely made walking through the revolving doors a little easier.
My visions of returning to work originally included a morning stop at the company day care center to drop off Dylan. Instead, I carry her in my heart as I go from front door to elevator to office. After a deep breath, I sit down at my desk and began my day.
I work with wonderful people. My boss, my coworkers... all kind and caring souls. I'm a lucky girl. The first day back is filled with welcoming hugs and genuine smiles that warm my heart. I have to transition back into my job, but I think it will be a painless process.
I was able to get through the first day thanks to the support of my friends. Day two, the same. By day three, it seems like I had never left.
I can honestly say it's good to be back.
My visions of returning to work originally included a morning stop at the company day care center to drop off Dylan. Instead, I carry her in my heart as I go from front door to elevator to office. After a deep breath, I sit down at my desk and began my day.
I work with wonderful people. My boss, my coworkers... all kind and caring souls. I'm a lucky girl. The first day back is filled with welcoming hugs and genuine smiles that warm my heart. I have to transition back into my job, but I think it will be a painless process.
I was able to get through the first day thanks to the support of my friends. Day two, the same. By day three, it seems like I had never left.
I can honestly say it's good to be back.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I plan too much
I can't help it. I just do. If there's a trip coming up, I start researching places to eat, things to see and do. We go out to dinner, I've already planned out what to wear (depending on the weather) and will have already checked out the menu online. Upcoming birthdays, the gifts are sitting on the table ready to be wrapped. Christmas? I'm usually done shopping by October.
This is what I do.
While pregnant, is it a surprise that I thought of everything? When the Harry Potter movie comes out in July, I will need a baby sitter. If the fire alarm goes off in our building, I will need to take Dylan outside and possibly will need to calm her down. When I shower and my hubby is not home, where can I put her so that I can still check on her or go to her within seconds if I need to? I was ready.
All these things I over planned for... useless, because my daughter is gone. Now, thanks to my own crazy brain thinking overtime, everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - makes me think of Dylan. The Harry Potter commercials, the fire alarms, just plain showering. I can't walk through the house without thinking about her. Where her bassinet would have been. Where she would have played. The empty spot where we had stored her stroller.
Her things are now in storage... maybe one day she will have a little brother or sister who will use them. For now, they are carefully wrapped and put away.
I'm trying to move on in my life without my baby, but it's so damn hard when it's not only the physical things that trigger reminders, but just every day life that I mentally prepared for that eat into me.
This is what I do.
While pregnant, is it a surprise that I thought of everything? When the Harry Potter movie comes out in July, I will need a baby sitter. If the fire alarm goes off in our building, I will need to take Dylan outside and possibly will need to calm her down. When I shower and my hubby is not home, where can I put her so that I can still check on her or go to her within seconds if I need to? I was ready.
All these things I over planned for... useless, because my daughter is gone. Now, thanks to my own crazy brain thinking overtime, everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - makes me think of Dylan. The Harry Potter commercials, the fire alarms, just plain showering. I can't walk through the house without thinking about her. Where her bassinet would have been. Where she would have played. The empty spot where we had stored her stroller.
Her things are now in storage... maybe one day she will have a little brother or sister who will use them. For now, they are carefully wrapped and put away.
I'm trying to move on in my life without my baby, but it's so damn hard when it's not only the physical things that trigger reminders, but just every day life that I mentally prepared for that eat into me.
What's in my broken heart
Glee is one of my favorite shows. In the latest episode, the sister of Sue Sylvester (one of the characters) had passed away and they had a funeral for her. During the funeral, Sue tried to give this speech. It was the hardest 5 minutes of TV my husband and I had to sit through. The speech fully expressed what we currently (and will always) feel in our hearts for the loss of Dylan.
We miss our daughter every day. Every minute. We love our baby girl.
"...When you love someone like I loved her, there’s a part of you it’s like you’re attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether I know there’s no one on the other end, and I feel like I’m falling into nothingness.
...I miss my sister so much it feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Just ten more seconds— is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can’t and I won’t and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So for now I’m just going to miss her."
We miss our daughter every day. Every minute. We love our baby girl.
"...When you love someone like I loved her, there’s a part of you it’s like you’re attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether I know there’s no one on the other end, and I feel like I’m falling into nothingness.
...I miss my sister so much it feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Just ten more seconds— is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can’t and I won’t and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So for now I’m just going to miss her."
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I want my daughter back
There. I've said it. That is what is in my heart. I want my Dylan back.
I want to go back to my 29th week of pregnancy. During that exam the doctor would say that everything is going perfectly. That Dylan's in perfect health. We're going to have a beautiful baby girl soon.
Unfortunately, this is just a dream. Dylan is gone. She lives on in my memories and my heart now. It's an unrealistic wish, but still I long for it. I want her back.
I didn't know how much I would love her until the last few months. She wasn't someone I could hold or talk to, but somehow while she was growing inside me, I fell in love with her, and then she was taken away from me before I could really meet her. I never saw her look at me. I never felt her tiny fingers wrap around mine. I've never heard the sweet music of her cries.
I would have shown her so much love. Love only a mother can give. I understand now. I understand what mothers feel for their children. The unconditional love that one feels that can never be defined. I understand. When people say, "You will understand when you're a mother..." I can honestly say that I do understand now.
My heart is so broken. I know that life goes on. I have to live on. But a part of me died when Dylan did. I will heal in time, but I will never be whole...
I want to go back to my 29th week of pregnancy. During that exam the doctor would say that everything is going perfectly. That Dylan's in perfect health. We're going to have a beautiful baby girl soon.
Unfortunately, this is just a dream. Dylan is gone. She lives on in my memories and my heart now. It's an unrealistic wish, but still I long for it. I want her back.
I didn't know how much I would love her until the last few months. She wasn't someone I could hold or talk to, but somehow while she was growing inside me, I fell in love with her, and then she was taken away from me before I could really meet her. I never saw her look at me. I never felt her tiny fingers wrap around mine. I've never heard the sweet music of her cries.
I would have shown her so much love. Love only a mother can give. I understand now. I understand what mothers feel for their children. The unconditional love that one feels that can never be defined. I understand. When people say, "You will understand when you're a mother..." I can honestly say that I do understand now.
My heart is so broken. I know that life goes on. I have to live on. But a part of me died when Dylan did. I will heal in time, but I will never be whole...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A final farewell
On Friday, May 7th, we got up before dawn and headed out to Turtle Hill. For those who don't know it, it's a small park on the top of a hill in the Sunset District that overlooks San Francisco. It was a very quiet morning. No rush to get to work. No traffic. Just a quiet drive of a family of three together for the last time.
It was still dark, with the sun was slowly making its appearance. Light enough for us to see, but still in need of a flashlight.
Under the tallest tree at the peak of the hill, we dug a deep hole. In it we poured in the ashes of our beloved Dylan. We also put in a small picture. The last picture of the three of us, taken just three days before Dylan was born. This was our final goodbye to our baby.
Though she was physically gone, one of the hardest things to do was to shovel that dirt over the ashes. It's a moment we will never forget, but something very painful to remember.
I just want my baby girl back. I want to go back to February 4th and hear the ultrasound technician say that everything is fine. That we're having a healthy baby.
I want to be in that operating room again and hear Dylan take a deep breath and let out the loudest cry possible. To have her in my arms. To feed her for the first time. To look into her eyes and know that she is my daughter to love and spoil like no other.
Reality is cruel. I can only look upon pictures of my baby girl and wish she would have known how much love we had for her.
We love you Dylan Simone. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. You will never know...
It was still dark, with the sun was slowly making its appearance. Light enough for us to see, but still in need of a flashlight.
Under the tallest tree at the peak of the hill, we dug a deep hole. In it we poured in the ashes of our beloved Dylan. We also put in a small picture. The last picture of the three of us, taken just three days before Dylan was born. This was our final goodbye to our baby.
Though she was physically gone, one of the hardest things to do was to shovel that dirt over the ashes. It's a moment we will never forget, but something very painful to remember.
I just want my baby girl back. I want to go back to February 4th and hear the ultrasound technician say that everything is fine. That we're having a healthy baby.
I want to be in that operating room again and hear Dylan take a deep breath and let out the loudest cry possible. To have her in my arms. To feed her for the first time. To look into her eyes and know that she is my daughter to love and spoil like no other.
Reality is cruel. I can only look upon pictures of my baby girl and wish she would have known how much love we had for her.
We love you Dylan Simone. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. You will never know...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Ten years
Ten years ago today, I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend. We still stand hand in hand, heart to heart... facing the most difficult time of our lives. The loss of our baby. We stand strong together.
Though our ten year anniversary is not as big an event as I once was planning it to be, I see the important thing is that we are still as much in love as we were so many years ago - if not even more in love.
The two of us, we are a family. Someday, we hope we'll be a family of three, or maybe even four. But for today, we are a family of two with our precious angel looking down on us.
Happy Anniversary Shawn.
Though our ten year anniversary is not as big an event as I once was planning it to be, I see the important thing is that we are still as much in love as we were so many years ago - if not even more in love.
The two of us, we are a family. Someday, we hope we'll be a family of three, or maybe even four. But for today, we are a family of two with our precious angel looking down on us.
Happy Anniversary Shawn.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Our Angel
We were a family of three for 25 hours. I never thought I would say those words... but here I am, home, recovering from a c-section, and no baby.
Dylan Simone was born on Tuesday, April 5th at 11:07am.
Unfortunately, the greatest fear we had for her came true. She was not able to breathe on her own. Over 10 doctors tried their best to help her, but...
We said goodbye to our little angel on April 6th. Dylan was approximately 25 hours old.
There are no words to describe the loss of a child. Literally a part of you dies and somehow you have to survive. Nothing will ever heal you, but you find strength in the love and support of family and friends to continue.
Dylan Simone was born on Tuesday, April 5th at 11:07am.
Unfortunately, the greatest fear we had for her came true. She was not able to breathe on her own. Over 10 doctors tried their best to help her, but...
We said goodbye to our little angel on April 6th. Dylan was approximately 25 hours old.
There are no words to describe the loss of a child. Literally a part of you dies and somehow you have to survive. Nothing will ever heal you, but you find strength in the love and support of family and friends to continue.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
What's been going on...
First things first... as most of my friends know by now, I'm pregnant. We start week 38 tomorrow. I know it's been a long time and my last blog made the promise of an announcement and then I just kind of went AWOL. Oddly enough, I just haven't really talked about it, but here goes...
The first two trimesters were 'easy'. I really didn't have morning sickness or experience any of the symptoms that you're warned about in the baby books. I had monthly OB appointments that were not earth shattering. Mostly 10 minutes of "how are you feeling?" and a quick listen to the baby's heart beat. All was well.
We found out that we are having a girl. We have named her Dylan Simone. Dylan, just because we like it. Simone is after my beloved grandpa, Simon.
A couple of days before I hit 30 weeks, we went in for my third trimester ultrasound. From that moment, our lives changed completely. The doctor thought I was going into preterm labor and saw some abnormalities with Dylan's heart. Apparently I was having contractions (though I couldn't feel them) and the baby was breech as well. I was immediately admitted to the hospital with the warning that I may have an emergency c-section if necessary, but the baby would not survive because of her heart issues.
There are no words to describe how we felt with this news. We were at 30 weeks. How could this be happening? Everything had been fine when we were checked just a few short weeks ago.
The last two months of pregnancy have been a miracle in and of itself. I ultimately did not go into preterm labor and we were thankful for each day that we were able to keep Dylan safe and continually growing in belly.
What made this a nightmare was the fact that Dylan has heart issues. Her right atrium is overgrown and her tricuspid valve is too thick - allowing blood to flow in and out, instead of just in one direction. This caused her heart to grow to an abnormal size. This added on the additional worry that the heart took up too much space for her lungs to develop to full size.
So what does that mean for an expectant mom? Weekly ultrasounds, antenatal tests, echo cardiograms, in addition to the bi-weekly OB check-up appointments. Let's throw in two MRI exams as well. I'm also experiencing pelvic pain (most likely from Dylan dropping deep into my pelvis and hitting a nerve). On most days, I can barely walk and need to use a cane. One day last week, my right leg was so painful I needed to borrow a wheelchair to get to my appointments.
Through it all, we've gone from fearing the loss of a child at 7 months to the elation of knowing we've been able to carry her almost to full term and that she is receiving the best care possible from the UCSF Children's Hospital.
So here we are, on the edge of starting week 38. Doctors tell us that Dylan will be delivered sometime during the following week. We're aiming for a birthday of Wed, April 6th.
Unfortunately, I will not experience the joy of holding her in my arms when she is first born. I know this. Fetal cardiology will be taking her away for observation. If all goes well, then she will be moved to the NICU and I can visit her there. "Well" means that she is able to breath on her own and that her heart is cooperating - she could very well need heart surgery.
Let me tell you, while crying is not my favorite sound, come D-day, when I hear my baby's cry for the first time, it will be the sound of music to my ears, because that tells me she's getting oxygen into her lungs.
The first two trimesters were 'easy'. I really didn't have morning sickness or experience any of the symptoms that you're warned about in the baby books. I had monthly OB appointments that were not earth shattering. Mostly 10 minutes of "how are you feeling?" and a quick listen to the baby's heart beat. All was well.
We found out that we are having a girl. We have named her Dylan Simone. Dylan, just because we like it. Simone is after my beloved grandpa, Simon.
A couple of days before I hit 30 weeks, we went in for my third trimester ultrasound. From that moment, our lives changed completely. The doctor thought I was going into preterm labor and saw some abnormalities with Dylan's heart. Apparently I was having contractions (though I couldn't feel them) and the baby was breech as well. I was immediately admitted to the hospital with the warning that I may have an emergency c-section if necessary, but the baby would not survive because of her heart issues.
There are no words to describe how we felt with this news. We were at 30 weeks. How could this be happening? Everything had been fine when we were checked just a few short weeks ago.
The last two months of pregnancy have been a miracle in and of itself. I ultimately did not go into preterm labor and we were thankful for each day that we were able to keep Dylan safe and continually growing in belly.
What made this a nightmare was the fact that Dylan has heart issues. Her right atrium is overgrown and her tricuspid valve is too thick - allowing blood to flow in and out, instead of just in one direction. This caused her heart to grow to an abnormal size. This added on the additional worry that the heart took up too much space for her lungs to develop to full size.
So what does that mean for an expectant mom? Weekly ultrasounds, antenatal tests, echo cardiograms, in addition to the bi-weekly OB check-up appointments. Let's throw in two MRI exams as well. I'm also experiencing pelvic pain (most likely from Dylan dropping deep into my pelvis and hitting a nerve). On most days, I can barely walk and need to use a cane. One day last week, my right leg was so painful I needed to borrow a wheelchair to get to my appointments.
Through it all, we've gone from fearing the loss of a child at 7 months to the elation of knowing we've been able to carry her almost to full term and that she is receiving the best care possible from the UCSF Children's Hospital.
So here we are, on the edge of starting week 38. Doctors tell us that Dylan will be delivered sometime during the following week. We're aiming for a birthday of Wed, April 6th.
Unfortunately, I will not experience the joy of holding her in my arms when she is first born. I know this. Fetal cardiology will be taking her away for observation. If all goes well, then she will be moved to the NICU and I can visit her there. "Well" means that she is able to breath on her own and that her heart is cooperating - she could very well need heart surgery.
Let me tell you, while crying is not my favorite sound, come D-day, when I hear my baby's cry for the first time, it will be the sound of music to my ears, because that tells me she's getting oxygen into her lungs.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Big changes coming
It's been a long time! Can't really go into it right now, but in addition to being in the midst of a fantastic job rotation and a myriad of different things going on in the next few months, the biggest adventure is going to start soon.
First things first, the Armenian Food Festival is this weekend. Sept 10 - 12. Can't wait. For the first time, we're having the entourage of family attending, so it's going to be a blast. My parents, hubby's parents, family friends...
Monday, April 05, 2010
Is it worth it?
Right now I'd have to say, "Not really." I am in pain. So much pain that I can't cross my legs without the assistance of pulling my leg up and over with my arms.
Yes, I'm another fool who tried snowboarding this past weekend. I do have to be thankful for the gorgeous, fresh powder that covered the beginner trail at Squaw Valley. It saved my butt from turning black and blue.
I tried skiing several years ago. I didn't do too bad. I basically made it to the beginner/intermediate level within 3 - 4 days total of skiing. Unfortunately, one trip landed me with two torn ligaments in my left knee. I stopped for about two years and then after one more try and another big tumble down the mountain (without injury, thank goodness), I walked away from the snow and didn't look back. The fear had grabbed a hold of me and I lost all my confidence. I knew what it was like to get hurt.
It's been six years and suddenly that little voice inside me was reminding me how much fun it was to swoosh down that snow when I was doing well. There's nothing like that feeling, as a beginner, to make a hard stop where you make a giant snow spray. And when that mist settles, you're still standing. Yeah... That was my one skiing moment I'll never forget.
Instead of skiing, I wanted to try snowboarding this time. Don't ask me why. It seemed like an awesome idea at the time.
Off we went to Squaw Valley. We stayed at the lovely Resort at Squaw Creek. All I can say is, it's a beautiful resort. The furniture in the rooms is not my style, so I can't say much about that. The grounds, however, are amazing. Two big pools, three hot tubs, ice rink, several restaurants, several stores, giant outdoor fireplace to cuddle next to, and the thing most appealing to skiers and snowboarders alike... ski-in/ski-out lifts right on the property. Hubby LOVED that. Unfortunately, since I am a beginner, my journey began with a ride on the resort shuttle to Squaw Village for my board rental and lesson.
The next two hours, I can't even describe it. I took a lesson for snowboarding. I guess I was lucky. The two kids that were in my group picked up on the boarding so fast, I basically had a two hour private lesson with the instructor. The kids were brothers, and one of them had never even seen snow before. To be fair, they have ridden skateboards and surfed, so it was no surprise that they did so well. How well? One brother was attempting jumps within the first hour of the lesson. Show-off. ARGH!!! I spent most of my two hours falling on my a$$.
A quick lunch with hubby and I tried boarding for about one more hour before I called it quits. I do have to say, I did a quick walk through The Village, and it is VERY nice. Next trip, I plan to take a little more time to enjoy the area. Maybe get a drink and enjoy it while sitting next to one of the big fire pits there.
Back to the resort and my husband has the CRAZY idea of going to the hot tub. Hello? Did you not see the snow falling? Is it not 30 something degrees? Lemme tell ya, it is the most wonderful thing in the world to be out there in the falling snow, in your bathing suit, sitting in a bubbling jacuzzi.
That night and the next morning... I could not move. Turning over in bed was pure torture. Trying to stand after sitting on the sofa for more than a minute was next to impossible. Raising my arms to wash my hair was a nightmare.
UGH!!! I really didn't learn much from boarding except that it's true what people say - you fall a lot in the beginning. That is not an urban legend. Have I completely given up on boarding? I don't know. I want to learn it. I really hate ski boots and I hate carrying around two skis and two poles (real pain in butt). Nothing beat being able to walk around in those snowboard boots and just carrying one simple board around.
I did better at skiing. All in all, I've only fallen a few times (with the one big one) - so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time when doing that. I don't know...
Well, I have until next Winter to decide. But at this exact moment in time, to answer my own question of whether it was worth it, I would have to say NOOOOOOO! Now give me more ibuprofen.
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