Glee is one of my favorite shows. In the latest episode, the sister of Sue Sylvester (one of the characters) had passed away and they had a funeral for her. During the funeral, Sue tried to give this speech. It was the hardest 5 minutes of TV my husband and I had to sit through. The speech fully expressed what we currently (and will always) feel in our hearts for the loss of Dylan.
We miss our daughter every day. Every minute. We love our baby girl.
"...When you love someone like I loved her, there’s a part of you it’s like you’re attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether I know there’s no one on the other end, and I feel like I’m falling into nothingness.
...I miss my sister so much it feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Just ten more seconds— is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can’t and I won’t and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So for now I’m just going to miss her."
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I want my daughter back
There. I've said it. That is what is in my heart. I want my Dylan back.
I want to go back to my 29th week of pregnancy. During that exam the doctor would say that everything is going perfectly. That Dylan's in perfect health. We're going to have a beautiful baby girl soon.
Unfortunately, this is just a dream. Dylan is gone. She lives on in my memories and my heart now. It's an unrealistic wish, but still I long for it. I want her back.
I didn't know how much I would love her until the last few months. She wasn't someone I could hold or talk to, but somehow while she was growing inside me, I fell in love with her, and then she was taken away from me before I could really meet her. I never saw her look at me. I never felt her tiny fingers wrap around mine. I've never heard the sweet music of her cries.
I would have shown her so much love. Love only a mother can give. I understand now. I understand what mothers feel for their children. The unconditional love that one feels that can never be defined. I understand. When people say, "You will understand when you're a mother..." I can honestly say that I do understand now.
My heart is so broken. I know that life goes on. I have to live on. But a part of me died when Dylan did. I will heal in time, but I will never be whole...
I want to go back to my 29th week of pregnancy. During that exam the doctor would say that everything is going perfectly. That Dylan's in perfect health. We're going to have a beautiful baby girl soon.
Unfortunately, this is just a dream. Dylan is gone. She lives on in my memories and my heart now. It's an unrealistic wish, but still I long for it. I want her back.
I didn't know how much I would love her until the last few months. She wasn't someone I could hold or talk to, but somehow while she was growing inside me, I fell in love with her, and then she was taken away from me before I could really meet her. I never saw her look at me. I never felt her tiny fingers wrap around mine. I've never heard the sweet music of her cries.
I would have shown her so much love. Love only a mother can give. I understand now. I understand what mothers feel for their children. The unconditional love that one feels that can never be defined. I understand. When people say, "You will understand when you're a mother..." I can honestly say that I do understand now.
My heart is so broken. I know that life goes on. I have to live on. But a part of me died when Dylan did. I will heal in time, but I will never be whole...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A final farewell
On Friday, May 7th, we got up before dawn and headed out to Turtle Hill. For those who don't know it, it's a small park on the top of a hill in the Sunset District that overlooks San Francisco. It was a very quiet morning. No rush to get to work. No traffic. Just a quiet drive of a family of three together for the last time.
It was still dark, with the sun was slowly making its appearance. Light enough for us to see, but still in need of a flashlight.
Under the tallest tree at the peak of the hill, we dug a deep hole. In it we poured in the ashes of our beloved Dylan. We also put in a small picture. The last picture of the three of us, taken just three days before Dylan was born. This was our final goodbye to our baby.
Though she was physically gone, one of the hardest things to do was to shovel that dirt over the ashes. It's a moment we will never forget, but something very painful to remember.
I just want my baby girl back. I want to go back to February 4th and hear the ultrasound technician say that everything is fine. That we're having a healthy baby.
I want to be in that operating room again and hear Dylan take a deep breath and let out the loudest cry possible. To have her in my arms. To feed her for the first time. To look into her eyes and know that she is my daughter to love and spoil like no other.
Reality is cruel. I can only look upon pictures of my baby girl and wish she would have known how much love we had for her.
We love you Dylan Simone. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. You will never know...
It was still dark, with the sun was slowly making its appearance. Light enough for us to see, but still in need of a flashlight.
Under the tallest tree at the peak of the hill, we dug a deep hole. In it we poured in the ashes of our beloved Dylan. We also put in a small picture. The last picture of the three of us, taken just three days before Dylan was born. This was our final goodbye to our baby.
Though she was physically gone, one of the hardest things to do was to shovel that dirt over the ashes. It's a moment we will never forget, but something very painful to remember.
I just want my baby girl back. I want to go back to February 4th and hear the ultrasound technician say that everything is fine. That we're having a healthy baby.
I want to be in that operating room again and hear Dylan take a deep breath and let out the loudest cry possible. To have her in my arms. To feed her for the first time. To look into her eyes and know that she is my daughter to love and spoil like no other.
Reality is cruel. I can only look upon pictures of my baby girl and wish she would have known how much love we had for her.
We love you Dylan Simone. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. You will never know...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Ten years
Ten years ago today, I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend. We still stand hand in hand, heart to heart... facing the most difficult time of our lives. The loss of our baby. We stand strong together.
Though our ten year anniversary is not as big an event as I once was planning it to be, I see the important thing is that we are still as much in love as we were so many years ago - if not even more in love.
The two of us, we are a family. Someday, we hope we'll be a family of three, or maybe even four. But for today, we are a family of two with our precious angel looking down on us.
Happy Anniversary Shawn.
Though our ten year anniversary is not as big an event as I once was planning it to be, I see the important thing is that we are still as much in love as we were so many years ago - if not even more in love.
The two of us, we are a family. Someday, we hope we'll be a family of three, or maybe even four. But for today, we are a family of two with our precious angel looking down on us.
Happy Anniversary Shawn.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Our Angel
We were a family of three for 25 hours. I never thought I would say those words... but here I am, home, recovering from a c-section, and no baby.
Dylan Simone was born on Tuesday, April 5th at 11:07am.
Unfortunately, the greatest fear we had for her came true. She was not able to breathe on her own. Over 10 doctors tried their best to help her, but...
We said goodbye to our little angel on April 6th. Dylan was approximately 25 hours old.
There are no words to describe the loss of a child. Literally a part of you dies and somehow you have to survive. Nothing will ever heal you, but you find strength in the love and support of family and friends to continue.
Dylan Simone was born on Tuesday, April 5th at 11:07am.
Unfortunately, the greatest fear we had for her came true. She was not able to breathe on her own. Over 10 doctors tried their best to help her, but...
We said goodbye to our little angel on April 6th. Dylan was approximately 25 hours old.
There are no words to describe the loss of a child. Literally a part of you dies and somehow you have to survive. Nothing will ever heal you, but you find strength in the love and support of family and friends to continue.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
What's been going on...
First things first... as most of my friends know by now, I'm pregnant. We start week 38 tomorrow. I know it's been a long time and my last blog made the promise of an announcement and then I just kind of went AWOL. Oddly enough, I just haven't really talked about it, but here goes...
The first two trimesters were 'easy'. I really didn't have morning sickness or experience any of the symptoms that you're warned about in the baby books. I had monthly OB appointments that were not earth shattering. Mostly 10 minutes of "how are you feeling?" and a quick listen to the baby's heart beat. All was well.
We found out that we are having a girl. We have named her Dylan Simone. Dylan, just because we like it. Simone is after my beloved grandpa, Simon.
A couple of days before I hit 30 weeks, we went in for my third trimester ultrasound. From that moment, our lives changed completely. The doctor thought I was going into preterm labor and saw some abnormalities with Dylan's heart. Apparently I was having contractions (though I couldn't feel them) and the baby was breech as well. I was immediately admitted to the hospital with the warning that I may have an emergency c-section if necessary, but the baby would not survive because of her heart issues.
There are no words to describe how we felt with this news. We were at 30 weeks. How could this be happening? Everything had been fine when we were checked just a few short weeks ago.
The last two months of pregnancy have been a miracle in and of itself. I ultimately did not go into preterm labor and we were thankful for each day that we were able to keep Dylan safe and continually growing in belly.
What made this a nightmare was the fact that Dylan has heart issues. Her right atrium is overgrown and her tricuspid valve is too thick - allowing blood to flow in and out, instead of just in one direction. This caused her heart to grow to an abnormal size. This added on the additional worry that the heart took up too much space for her lungs to develop to full size.
So what does that mean for an expectant mom? Weekly ultrasounds, antenatal tests, echo cardiograms, in addition to the bi-weekly OB check-up appointments. Let's throw in two MRI exams as well. I'm also experiencing pelvic pain (most likely from Dylan dropping deep into my pelvis and hitting a nerve). On most days, I can barely walk and need to use a cane. One day last week, my right leg was so painful I needed to borrow a wheelchair to get to my appointments.
Through it all, we've gone from fearing the loss of a child at 7 months to the elation of knowing we've been able to carry her almost to full term and that she is receiving the best care possible from the UCSF Children's Hospital.
So here we are, on the edge of starting week 38. Doctors tell us that Dylan will be delivered sometime during the following week. We're aiming for a birthday of Wed, April 6th.
Unfortunately, I will not experience the joy of holding her in my arms when she is first born. I know this. Fetal cardiology will be taking her away for observation. If all goes well, then she will be moved to the NICU and I can visit her there. "Well" means that she is able to breath on her own and that her heart is cooperating - she could very well need heart surgery.
Let me tell you, while crying is not my favorite sound, come D-day, when I hear my baby's cry for the first time, it will be the sound of music to my ears, because that tells me she's getting oxygen into her lungs.
The first two trimesters were 'easy'. I really didn't have morning sickness or experience any of the symptoms that you're warned about in the baby books. I had monthly OB appointments that were not earth shattering. Mostly 10 minutes of "how are you feeling?" and a quick listen to the baby's heart beat. All was well.
We found out that we are having a girl. We have named her Dylan Simone. Dylan, just because we like it. Simone is after my beloved grandpa, Simon.
A couple of days before I hit 30 weeks, we went in for my third trimester ultrasound. From that moment, our lives changed completely. The doctor thought I was going into preterm labor and saw some abnormalities with Dylan's heart. Apparently I was having contractions (though I couldn't feel them) and the baby was breech as well. I was immediately admitted to the hospital with the warning that I may have an emergency c-section if necessary, but the baby would not survive because of her heart issues.
There are no words to describe how we felt with this news. We were at 30 weeks. How could this be happening? Everything had been fine when we were checked just a few short weeks ago.
The last two months of pregnancy have been a miracle in and of itself. I ultimately did not go into preterm labor and we were thankful for each day that we were able to keep Dylan safe and continually growing in belly.
What made this a nightmare was the fact that Dylan has heart issues. Her right atrium is overgrown and her tricuspid valve is too thick - allowing blood to flow in and out, instead of just in one direction. This caused her heart to grow to an abnormal size. This added on the additional worry that the heart took up too much space for her lungs to develop to full size.
So what does that mean for an expectant mom? Weekly ultrasounds, antenatal tests, echo cardiograms, in addition to the bi-weekly OB check-up appointments. Let's throw in two MRI exams as well. I'm also experiencing pelvic pain (most likely from Dylan dropping deep into my pelvis and hitting a nerve). On most days, I can barely walk and need to use a cane. One day last week, my right leg was so painful I needed to borrow a wheelchair to get to my appointments.
Through it all, we've gone from fearing the loss of a child at 7 months to the elation of knowing we've been able to carry her almost to full term and that she is receiving the best care possible from the UCSF Children's Hospital.
So here we are, on the edge of starting week 38. Doctors tell us that Dylan will be delivered sometime during the following week. We're aiming for a birthday of Wed, April 6th.
Unfortunately, I will not experience the joy of holding her in my arms when she is first born. I know this. Fetal cardiology will be taking her away for observation. If all goes well, then she will be moved to the NICU and I can visit her there. "Well" means that she is able to breath on her own and that her heart is cooperating - she could very well need heart surgery.
Let me tell you, while crying is not my favorite sound, come D-day, when I hear my baby's cry for the first time, it will be the sound of music to my ears, because that tells me she's getting oxygen into her lungs.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Big changes coming
It's been a long time! Can't really go into it right now, but in addition to being in the midst of a fantastic job rotation and a myriad of different things going on in the next few months, the biggest adventure is going to start soon.
First things first, the Armenian Food Festival is this weekend. Sept 10 - 12. Can't wait. For the first time, we're having the entourage of family attending, so it's going to be a blast. My parents, hubby's parents, family friends...
Monday, April 05, 2010
Is it worth it?
Right now I'd have to say, "Not really." I am in pain. So much pain that I can't cross my legs without the assistance of pulling my leg up and over with my arms.
Yes, I'm another fool who tried snowboarding this past weekend. I do have to be thankful for the gorgeous, fresh powder that covered the beginner trail at Squaw Valley. It saved my butt from turning black and blue.
I tried skiing several years ago. I didn't do too bad. I basically made it to the beginner/intermediate level within 3 - 4 days total of skiing. Unfortunately, one trip landed me with two torn ligaments in my left knee. I stopped for about two years and then after one more try and another big tumble down the mountain (without injury, thank goodness), I walked away from the snow and didn't look back. The fear had grabbed a hold of me and I lost all my confidence. I knew what it was like to get hurt.
It's been six years and suddenly that little voice inside me was reminding me how much fun it was to swoosh down that snow when I was doing well. There's nothing like that feeling, as a beginner, to make a hard stop where you make a giant snow spray. And when that mist settles, you're still standing. Yeah... That was my one skiing moment I'll never forget.
Instead of skiing, I wanted to try snowboarding this time. Don't ask me why. It seemed like an awesome idea at the time.
Off we went to Squaw Valley. We stayed at the lovely Resort at Squaw Creek. All I can say is, it's a beautiful resort. The furniture in the rooms is not my style, so I can't say much about that. The grounds, however, are amazing. Two big pools, three hot tubs, ice rink, several restaurants, several stores, giant outdoor fireplace to cuddle next to, and the thing most appealing to skiers and snowboarders alike... ski-in/ski-out lifts right on the property. Hubby LOVED that. Unfortunately, since I am a beginner, my journey began with a ride on the resort shuttle to Squaw Village for my board rental and lesson.
The next two hours, I can't even describe it. I took a lesson for snowboarding. I guess I was lucky. The two kids that were in my group picked up on the boarding so fast, I basically had a two hour private lesson with the instructor. The kids were brothers, and one of them had never even seen snow before. To be fair, they have ridden skateboards and surfed, so it was no surprise that they did so well. How well? One brother was attempting jumps within the first hour of the lesson. Show-off. ARGH!!! I spent most of my two hours falling on my a$$.
A quick lunch with hubby and I tried boarding for about one more hour before I called it quits. I do have to say, I did a quick walk through The Village, and it is VERY nice. Next trip, I plan to take a little more time to enjoy the area. Maybe get a drink and enjoy it while sitting next to one of the big fire pits there.
Back to the resort and my husband has the CRAZY idea of going to the hot tub. Hello? Did you not see the snow falling? Is it not 30 something degrees? Lemme tell ya, it is the most wonderful thing in the world to be out there in the falling snow, in your bathing suit, sitting in a bubbling jacuzzi.
That night and the next morning... I could not move. Turning over in bed was pure torture. Trying to stand after sitting on the sofa for more than a minute was next to impossible. Raising my arms to wash my hair was a nightmare.
UGH!!! I really didn't learn much from boarding except that it's true what people say - you fall a lot in the beginning. That is not an urban legend. Have I completely given up on boarding? I don't know. I want to learn it. I really hate ski boots and I hate carrying around two skis and two poles (real pain in butt). Nothing beat being able to walk around in those snowboard boots and just carrying one simple board around.
I did better at skiing. All in all, I've only fallen a few times (with the one big one) - so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time when doing that. I don't know...
Well, I have until next Winter to decide. But at this exact moment in time, to answer my own question of whether it was worth it, I would have to say NOOOOOOO! Now give me more ibuprofen.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Back from vacation
It's been an amazing week. Friday to Friday, we spent a lovely seven days in Oahu. Plenty of relaxation, but lots of exciting events as well.
In a moment of insanity, I found the courage to go skydiving. I purposely booked it for earlier in the week because I wanted to get it out of the way. Surprisingly, I wasn't scared. Not until the moment when my instructor told me to head towards the door of the plane at 14,000 feet. Yep, I had just enough time to think, "What the hell am I doing?" and I was out the door. No time to react - we were out and free falling. It was surreal. I just remember feeling extremely cold, and the photographer waving to me, and me waving back. I think the free fall was for about a minute and then the parachute was deployed.
My instructor, Dan, was awesome. He let me "steer" by pulling on the cables and we did a couple of spirals. It was crazy. Before I knew it, the ground was coming towards us and my feet were on the blessed ground again. This was one big thing off my bucket list.
Another incredible thing off my list was swimming with the dolphins. Honestly, I think I was more excited about this than the skydiving. All my life, I had never been the lucky little girl who was chosen to pet the killer whale or to pose with the sea lions at those marine parks. This trip, my dream came true. We got into a lagoon (albeit man-made, at a hotel) and had the ultimate dolphin encounter for 30 full minutes. Almost the entire time, we were touching, feeding, playing with, and learning about these wonderful creatures. Ultimately, I got my wish, a picture of me kissing a dolphin. I was in love. The most amazing moment was when I was posing with my husband with the dolphin and we both had our hands underneath him - we felt that strong heartbeat. I can't even describe how powerful it was feeling that pulse.
This trip also gave us the opportunity to visit the USS Arizona Memorial, which we missed during our last trip to Oahu six years ago. Sure we all studied WWII in school, but nothing brings it home to you like this. I didn't know what to expect, but I certainly didn't think it would affect me like this. The memorial and the entire park is so well done. Very respectful. Very moving. The day we visited, there were four survivors of the USS Arizona signing autographs. My heart went out to them. It's hard to imagine anyone having to live through the horror they witnessed back in 1941. We payed our respects at the USS Arizona memorial, and also toured through the Battleship Missouri and USS Bowfin submarine.
Aside from a lot of eating, we did one last 'fun' adventure. Whale watching! Not five minutes out of the dock, our boat came across a mother and her calf. It was awesome!!! Never thought we'd see something so quickly, but then it's lucky that we saw them, because we didn't encounter any other whales in the two hour ride.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Two posts in one day!
This is definitely a record, considering I submitted a whopping eight posts last year (compared to previous years). Don't know if I'll get to my cooking challenge this month (because of vacation and all), but I did make something new yesterday that turned out to be FABULOUS!!!
Honey Dijon mustard pork chops with bacon. Oh yeah, pork on pork baby. So, so good. I saw it on Giada at Home and did a smaller version of her pork roast. Dijon mustard, honey, garlic, and rosemary. Slather that mixture all over the pork chops (that have been seasoned with salt and pepper, of course). Then drape bacon slices over the meat. Bake at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Checking them off one by one...
I don't know what it is. Something in the air? Something with the craziness that started the year 2010? Things are irking me today.
Every day there is news that reminds me of the reasons I don't like reading up on the latest in the world. People are intolerant, devastating earthquakes everywhere, ridiculous scandals that are really no ones business but with the people involved.
With that said, I'm looking forward to some peace... Getting away from all this BS that is the world today. I'll be away on a beach with a never ending supply of frosty Pina Coladas in my hand. Yep, I'm headed to Oahu, HI. We had plans to go about a year ago, but with Monte being sick, we canceled all vacation plans to stay with our baby. It's time to let go of the world and enjoy paradise now.
With this trip, I will be knocking out a couple of things from my 'bucket list'. If anything, my list is of things I would like to do in my lifetime. They're all doable, though most require a bit of planning and saving.
So, what am I checking off the list from this trip? Skydiving. Yes, I'm going to throw myself from a plane. Like I said, I don't know what it is with this year, but suddenly I've found a burst of courage (this as I'm sitting in the safety of my office). And to clarify, when I say "throw myself from a plane", I mean me being attached to an instructor and screaming for my mommy as he pushes us out of the door. Yeah... I don't know what I'm thinking, but I made the reservations already. I'm gonna do it!
Another thing off the list is swimming with dolphins. This is something I've wanted to do since our last trip to Oahu so many years ago. Money was definitely the reason for us NOT doing it last time, and I've been kicking myself ever since. This trip, there's no stopping me. I'm going to get a picture of me kissing a dolphin.
The rest of the trip is unplanned (except for some must try food places) and low key, as it should be.
When we come back, I'm checking off a third item from the list. A cooking class! I've always wanted to take one. Who knew Williams-Sonoma offers FREE classes? I sure didn't. I'm going to learn how to bake pies and tarts. Yep! I'm excited.
Lastly, we're heading up to Lake Tahoe soon - a little late for the season, I know. I'm going to attempt snowboarding. OMG! I'm more nervous about that than skydiving. Seriously. Skydiving, if anything went wrong, well, it's done. With snowboarding, I could get hurt... and have to recover. Ugh.
The last time I was on the mountain, it was my first time skiing again after my knee injury. I had a really difficult time. I couldn't get past the fear of getting hurt again. The mind is such a powerful thing. I took a really bad fall toward the end of my run, and I took off those darn skis. I may try again some day, who knows. I didn't suck at skiing. I actually picked it up fairly quickly. But of the few times I did fall, I fell hard. Hard enough to really shake my confidence.
I really do want to try snowboarding though. It looks like so much fun. And honestly, I'd rather carry one cool board around than two skis and two poles. I really want to learn some type of winter sport. My hubby skis. And while I will never get to his level (black diamonds), I would like to enjoy time in the snow and feel that rush of wind/adrenaline again.
So, in the next few weeks, I'll be able to check off four times from my bucket list. I'm really excited about it and I'm glad I'm finally doing things off that darn list. The list only gets longer as I think of new things, but that's OK as long as I'm actively checking things off from there too.
Without question, I am getting the picture/DVD package with the skydiving. Will post when I get them. ACK! I'm going skydiving y'all!!! If you hear something that sounds awfully like a blood curdling scream on Sunday morning... yeah, that would be me.
Monday, March 01, 2010
BTW...
The boeuf bourguignon turned out to be a success last month (January). Each day that went by after the initial meal just got better and better. Isn't that just how stews go? Leftovers are a great thing.
The recipe (from Mastering the Art of French Cooking) was very easy. Every step carefully planned out to bring the dish together like a puzzle. I have to admit, preparation was key. I had all my ingredients laid out and ready to go. That really helped. Other than a lot of steps in the beginning (and timing), it was just 1, 2, 3, 4...
January - Boeuf Bourguingon = Success.
February - Roast lamb = Success.
Last minute AGAIN!
My goodness! Why do I do this to myself? February seemed to just drag on and on, and before I knew it, it was the last weekend of the month! Did I cook anything from my Cooking Goals list? Nope. Had I even picked anything yet? Nope. Last minute decision, roast lamb. I couldn't find lamb shank like I wanted, so we ended up with a lamb roast. Close enough.
I usually read the recipe beforehand, but again, got lazy and only printed it out when I was ready to cook on Saturday afternoon. Focus in on two words that blew my plans...Marinate overnight. Ah well... no lamb on Saturday.
After a full night of marinating in a whole bottle of red wine, almost a full head of garlic, and lots of lemon juice and various spices, our purple lamb was finally in the oven. Yep, the wine turned the meat purple. Kinda gross, but also amusing. Two hours later, along with preparing some sauteed mushrooms and some Mediterranean style couscous, we had a fantastic meal.
So, I just made the deadline - AGAIN.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Last minute meal
Well, the Kaymak goal did not work, but I'm not giving up for January yet. Meat! I know I can cook meat and with one day left for the month, I will master something from my list. Boeuf Bourguignon has been chosen. Basically it's a fancy French term for good ol' beef stew. Reading the recipe (I always recommend reading the recipe first) it's very much like braising short ribs, which I know I kick-ass. Hubby says my short ribs are second only to Daniel Boulud, and that is a GREAT honor. No one can touch Daniel's short ribs. No one!
I'm off to Safeway to gather ingredients. I hope to have this place smelling of that rich beef broth with wine and veggies, and of course, beef, in a few hours. Yay!
Kaymak, oh Kaymak, why do you hate me so? I will give you a few months to settle before I attempt making you again.
I'm talking to a recipe... (sigh) It's a sad, sad day.
I'm off to Safeway to gather ingredients. I hope to have this place smelling of that rich beef broth with wine and veggies, and of course, beef, in a few hours. Yay!
Kaymak, oh Kaymak, why do you hate me so? I will give you a few months to settle before I attempt making you again.
I'm talking to a recipe... (sigh) It's a sad, sad day.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Failure
Well, the Kaymak didn't turn out AGAIN. At least this time I didn't burn it and was able to make it into a lemon cream sauce for some pasta. ARGH!!! Frustrating. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I found one more recipe to try. This one calls for 1 tsp of salt. I will have one more go at it.
OK, I know I said I would make something over and over until I got it right - but I didn't take into account complete inedible failure and wasting food. It's the wasting part that irks me. And well, let's face it - I can't keep making full on whole milk and heavy cream recipes.
So, one last attempt at this and I'm moving onto the next dish.
I found one more recipe to try. This one calls for 1 tsp of salt. I will have one more go at it.
OK, I know I said I would make something over and over until I got it right - but I didn't take into account complete inedible failure and wasting food. It's the wasting part that irks me. And well, let's face it - I can't keep making full on whole milk and heavy cream recipes.
So, one last attempt at this and I'm moving onto the next dish.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Impatiently Waiting
Attempt number two at making Kaymak. I followed a slightly different recipe this time.
Heated whole milk to a slight boil. Added a small mixture of flour and milk (prepared earlier), and then added cream. Simmered and stirred for two hours. Hubby and I had to take turns. Finally, poured the mixture into an enamel pan and let that simmer without stirring for 30 minutes.
Let cool to room temp, and then set in fridge for 10 hours.
Well, 10 hours are long over... but I'm stuck at work. I'm chomping at the bit to get home and see how my Kaymak turned out. Will let you know...
I'm very excited.
Heated whole milk to a slight boil. Added a small mixture of flour and milk (prepared earlier), and then added cream. Simmered and stirred for two hours. Hubby and I had to take turns. Finally, poured the mixture into an enamel pan and let that simmer without stirring for 30 minutes.
Let cool to room temp, and then set in fridge for 10 hours.
Well, 10 hours are long over... but I'm stuck at work. I'm chomping at the bit to get home and see how my Kaymak turned out. Will let you know...
I'm very excited.
Monday, January 04, 2010
Cooked cream
Yes, that's basically what I spent an hour doing last night. I cooked cream. Poured a pint of heavy cream into a quart of whole milk and ladled, ladled, ladled until the top was all foamy... and then tried to let it simmer on low heat - but I guess the pot was still too hot, because before I could stop it, the cream started burning. ARGH!!!
The end result was not so much Kaymak, but a thick off-white mess with bits of brown mixed in. Oh, and let's not forget the wonderful splatter all over my stove from ladling milk and letting it dribble back into the pot about 12" above the surface. Yep, splatter. All over the place. Even though I had spread towels everywhere.
I'm not so upset that the recipe completely didn't work for me, but it's that I hate wasting food. I didn't throw out the cream - will probably make it into a sauce or something, but still... it didn't live up to its potential in the slightest. Let's hope the second try will be better. It's such a simple recipe. I can't believe it bombed like that.
For those who are curious, this is what the end result should look like... And let's just say, mine turned out NOTHING like this. HA!
The end result was not so much Kaymak, but a thick off-white mess with bits of brown mixed in. Oh, and let's not forget the wonderful splatter all over my stove from ladling milk and letting it dribble back into the pot about 12" above the surface. Yep, splatter. All over the place. Even though I had spread towels everywhere.
I'm not so upset that the recipe completely didn't work for me, but it's that I hate wasting food. I didn't throw out the cream - will probably make it into a sauce or something, but still... it didn't live up to its potential in the slightest. Let's hope the second try will be better. It's such a simple recipe. I can't believe it bombed like that.
For those who are curious, this is what the end result should look like... And let's just say, mine turned out NOTHING like this. HA!
Sunday, January 03, 2010
A slight change in plans
Well, I was all prepared to make Butter Chicken for the January recipe, but then my hubby informs me that he scheduled a gum graft "surgery" for this Monday. So he won't be able to eat it for a few days. This he tells me as I'm holding an ingredient list combing through the grocery store aisles. Great timing.
Quick change... I'm going to attempt to make Kaymak (pronounced 'k-eye-mock') this month instead. What is Kaymak? Oh, what is glorious, dreamy Kaymak? I was first introduced to this heavenly cream during my trip to Belgrade, Serbia a few years ago. It's a white cream with the consistency like the whipped cream cheese that you can get a Noah's Bagels. It's light and fluffy. It's literally the solid thick layer that forms from simmered whole milk and heavy cream.
Doesn't see TOO hard. Simmer the milk over medium heat and ladel consistently for about 40 minutes until a thick layer foam covers the top layer of the milk. Let it cool and store in the fridge for 10 hours. Then lift that top layer of cream off. That cream is Kaymak.
And now, something a little more lighthearted. A little beauty tip I recently discovered for myself. Ever have a nail that broke way down the nail plate? You can't cut it, but it's definitely split and catches on things? Extremely painful. Superglue sometimes can lock it down - but it doesn't work all the time.
A quick solution until your nail can grow out to be cut? Acrylic nails! I bought a pack of the Nailene short, French tip nails. I only applied one nail (obviously to the injured one) and painted over it with a darker color (hides the white tip of the fake nail easily). Looks great - no one can tell it's fake. No more pain from my nail getting caught on things - and it can safely grow out under a protective layer.
Works great - just thought I'd share. :)
Quick change... I'm going to attempt to make Kaymak (pronounced 'k-eye-mock') this month instead. What is Kaymak? Oh, what is glorious, dreamy Kaymak? I was first introduced to this heavenly cream during my trip to Belgrade, Serbia a few years ago. It's a white cream with the consistency like the whipped cream cheese that you can get a Noah's Bagels. It's light and fluffy. It's literally the solid thick layer that forms from simmered whole milk and heavy cream.
Doesn't see TOO hard. Simmer the milk over medium heat and ladel consistently for about 40 minutes until a thick layer foam covers the top layer of the milk. Let it cool and store in the fridge for 10 hours. Then lift that top layer of cream off. That cream is Kaymak.
And now, something a little more lighthearted. A little beauty tip I recently discovered for myself. Ever have a nail that broke way down the nail plate? You can't cut it, but it's definitely split and catches on things? Extremely painful. Superglue sometimes can lock it down - but it doesn't work all the time.
A quick solution until your nail can grow out to be cut? Acrylic nails! I bought a pack of the Nailene short, French tip nails. I only applied one nail (obviously to the injured one) and painted over it with a darker color (hides the white tip of the fake nail easily). Looks great - no one can tell it's fake. No more pain from my nail getting caught on things - and it can safely grow out under a protective layer.
Works great - just thought I'd share. :)
Friday, January 01, 2010
Happy New Year!
Welcome 2010! I truly hope that this new year brings with it much less drama than 2009. There were good times, but there were also too many sad times.
My grandma had an accident at home several months ago, and has since recovered, but is now living in a 24/7 assisted living home. A painful reminder that she really is getting older, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Our beloved Monte will have been gone from us for three months come January 6th. We miss our baby every single day. Tears still come to my eyes even from writing about him. Not a day goes by I don't wish to hold him in my arms and feel his rumbling purrs as I smother him with hugs and kisses. That's one wonderful memory I will always have of him. He would let me hold him forever as long as I was continuously snuggling and kissing him. When I stopped, he would want to get down. My darling boy - so patient with his mommy.
With the new year brings new hope and new goals. Less drama and more happiness - that is what I wish for.
So what is my resolution for 2010? I recently watched the movie Julie and Julia. I loved it from the first two minutes in and fell even more in love with it as each minute went by. Like Julie, cooking calms me. It's my way of bringing a delicious end to stressful days. So, that brings me to my goal for this year. Nothing as dramatic as giving myself a deadline to cook over 500 recipes in 365 days. No, no, no...
I am making myself a list of the top 10 dishes that I love, but have always been too intimidated to try cooking at home. I give myself a goal of one dish a month. I figure I would give myself an eating break the months of November and December.
One dish a month - and that means perfecting it and cooking it multiple times within that month until I do. What can I say - some things I can let go of when they're not perfect. Other things, like cooking, I want to do right. I want you to say "YUM" with the first taste.
So, that is my goal/resolution/excuse for eating mission for this year.
We'll see how it goes!
First month, first dish... (drum roll please)
Indian Butter Chicken (Murgh Makhani)
My grandma had an accident at home several months ago, and has since recovered, but is now living in a 24/7 assisted living home. A painful reminder that she really is getting older, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Our beloved Monte will have been gone from us for three months come January 6th. We miss our baby every single day. Tears still come to my eyes even from writing about him. Not a day goes by I don't wish to hold him in my arms and feel his rumbling purrs as I smother him with hugs and kisses. That's one wonderful memory I will always have of him. He would let me hold him forever as long as I was continuously snuggling and kissing him. When I stopped, he would want to get down. My darling boy - so patient with his mommy.
With the new year brings new hope and new goals. Less drama and more happiness - that is what I wish for.
So what is my resolution for 2010? I recently watched the movie Julie and Julia. I loved it from the first two minutes in and fell even more in love with it as each minute went by. Like Julie, cooking calms me. It's my way of bringing a delicious end to stressful days. So, that brings me to my goal for this year. Nothing as dramatic as giving myself a deadline to cook over 500 recipes in 365 days. No, no, no...
I am making myself a list of the top 10 dishes that I love, but have always been too intimidated to try cooking at home. I give myself a goal of one dish a month. I figure I would give myself an eating break the months of November and December.
One dish a month - and that means perfecting it and cooking it multiple times within that month until I do. What can I say - some things I can let go of when they're not perfect. Other things, like cooking, I want to do right. I want you to say "YUM" with the first taste.
So, that is my goal/resolution/excuse for eating mission for this year.
We'll see how it goes!
First month, first dish... (drum roll please)
Indian Butter Chicken (Murgh Makhani)
Friday, November 13, 2009
Another Friday the 13th
Third Friday the 13th of the year. I think that is more than enough, thank you. It's been a tough year. Honestly, I'm glad it's almost over. Even though January 1st is really just another day, I look at it as a fresh start - as I'm sure most people do.
Our sweet kitty has been gone from us for about a month now, and each day is not easier. We miss Monte terribly. Sometimes, I feel like he's home when I walk in the door after work - but with the first step I take towards looking for him, reality hits hard. I go to him in his little box now and greet him in my heart.
Work has been difficult as well. Our company recently let go of 500 employees. Very scary time. And while we bid a sad farewell to our colleagues, we also breathe a sigh of relief that we were not chosen to join the land of the unemployed.
Looking back on the year, the prior two Friday the 13th weekends pretty much sucked big time for me. I'm hoping tomorrow will just float by without incident. I never believed in the lore of Friday the 13th before, and I don't want to start - but please let tomorrow just be a normal day. The powers that be can't possibly make it three times a curse!
Our sweet kitty has been gone from us for about a month now, and each day is not easier. We miss Monte terribly. Sometimes, I feel like he's home when I walk in the door after work - but with the first step I take towards looking for him, reality hits hard. I go to him in his little box now and greet him in my heart.
Work has been difficult as well. Our company recently let go of 500 employees. Very scary time. And while we bid a sad farewell to our colleagues, we also breathe a sigh of relief that we were not chosen to join the land of the unemployed.
Looking back on the year, the prior two Friday the 13th weekends pretty much sucked big time for me. I'm hoping tomorrow will just float by without incident. I never believed in the lore of Friday the 13th before, and I don't want to start - but please let tomorrow just be a normal day. The powers that be can't possibly make it three times a curse!
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