A motherly rant

When did society become so quick to judge and push that what feels right for one is right for ALL?  We've become so afraid of everything, it's ridiculous.  Is this generation so screwed up by things our parents did when we were children that this is a backlash against how we were raised? 




These are the hot topics that irk me every time I read an article about them.  I've learned to skip those articles now.

Harness = leash
Playpen = cage
Formula feeding = you're a bad mother
Spanking = you're an abusive parent
Antibacterial everything = you're protecting your child from germs.

If my son is a runner, hell yeah I'm putting the harness on him.  Better to pull him back if he starts running across the street and I'm not quick enough to pull him back in time.  And spare me the "you should teach your kid..." lecture.  A toddler running is a toddler running.  No time for hoping your teachings kick in before he steps off the curb.  How many kids have you seen break off from their parent who wants to hold their hand because they want to walk alone?  The parent may grab their hand again, but for that brief moment, that kid was free to run.  You have to know your child and discipline as such.  No two children are the same.  I'd like to think that if I wasn't holding my son's hand, he would just stand there next to me. 

Playpen = yes, we have ours ready.  We have a small condo with no storage.   Until my son learns what is ok to touch and not to touch, occasionally he will be in the playpen while mama takes a shower or needs to do something that requires her not to be like a hawk on him ever second. 

Formula vs. breastmilk, every family has a different preference and reason, and it's their choice.  Butt out of their business.  One is not less of a mother if they chose to use formula.  I was a formula baby and I know that my mother loved/loves me beyond words.  Currently, I am breastfeeding my son, and I love him just as much.

Spanking = if my kid is bad, yes, there will be spanking.  I will not beat the sh*t out of my child, but if needed, I will spank.  I was spanked as a child.  I am not mentally scarred for life.  I do not consider myself abused as a child.  I was spanked when I was bad. 

Germs = my son needs to build up an immune system.  A kid is going to get dirty.  I'm not one to have everyone bathe in hand sanitizer before coming over to visit and play with my son. 

In my own opinion, we're raising a generation to be afraid of everything.  I don't want my son to live like that.  Of course, I am aware of various diseases and such, and he will get the vaccinations he needs.  He will wash his hands after playing in the park, but I'm not going to be spritzing his hands with sanitizer after he touches everything.  Sometimes too much is enough - and there's just too much judgement of others.

I feel I've been a good mother since I learned I was pregnant with my son, and I will continue to be a good mother as he grows up.

It's a boy!

On May 30th at 7:43AM, we welcomed Connor Dylan to our family. He's a beautiful baby boy.  An impressive 8lbs 6oz and 21" long.  He has a full head of black wavy hair, and dark, almost black, eyes. 

So what happened on his birthday?  I had been feeling tightness in my belly for almost a month, so I didn't really think anything of it anymore.  However, the morning of May 30th, around 4AM, something just didn't feel right.  I was so uncomfortable.  I couldn't sleep.  After being annoyed for a few hours and realizing sleep just wasn't going to happen, it slowly dawned on me that the tightness was getting stronger and happening in regular intervals.  But I couldn't possibly be in labor.  I was supposed to have lunch with a friend that day, and we had scheduled a c-section in two more days.  That's how a sleep deprived mind thinks.  Thanks to my handy iPhone app, I determined that the tightness was probably a contraction and that they were definitely about 5 minutes apart. 

Brilliant me, I lay there in bed trying to convince myself that this couldn't really be happening.

Around 5AM, hubby stirred and I told him that I might be in labor.  We called the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital and they said come in "now".

Well, of course I had to shower first.  If I was going to have this baby today, I was going in fresh and clean.  I did skip the make-up, so at least I wasn't being too vain.  A quick, last photo of the "two" of us and we were out the door, suitcase in hand.

During our 15 minute drive to the hospital, the contractions got stronger.  I was still OK, but I did have to take some deep breaths.  When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse was walking toward me in  the lobby and asked if I was Denise.  Yes.  "Well, thank goodness.  We were getting worried that you weren't here yet."  Sheepish grin.  "I had to shower first..."

Quick elevator ride to L&D and within 15 minutes I was being hooked up to monitors and getting "checked."  No time to waste.  I was 7 cm dilated already.  WHAT???

Long story short - I arrived at the hospital a little after 6AM and Connor was born via c-section at 7:43AM. 

In a way, I'm happy it worked out this way.  I would have been so anxious if we have gone to through the scheduled c-section two days later.  As it happens, I had no time to panic.  I was prepped, brought to the OR, and before I knew it, hubby was by my side.  After some small chit chat with the doctors, I finally asked, "Are they going to start yet?" 

"Oh, they're already in.  Get your camera ready.  The baby will be out soon."  WHOA!  Before I knew it, hubby was snapping pictures of whatever was going on on the other side of the tarp blocking my view.  A few more seconds later, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world.  My baby crying.  Not a long WAAAAHHH like I expected, but a short yell.  Then a silence that was probably only a few seconds, but to me it felt like forever and I started to panic.  Then there was more crying.  Thank goodness.

After weighing him and checking on vitals, Connor was swaddled up and handed to my hubby.  Father and son together for the first time.  It was amazing - even from my upside-down view.  I didn't get to hold Connor right away, but that's OK.  I touched his beautiful little face and told him how much we loved him.

At that point, Connor was taken to the NICU for observation, and I had to be put back together.  The last time I went through this, I was in great pain.  I mean, yelling for drugs pain. This time, it was still incredibly uncomfortable as they were putting things back where they belong and patching me up, but all I cared about was that my son was here - and in a short while, he would be in my arms.

It's a new adventure for all of us.  There's nothing to prepare you for parenthood.  The feelings you experience looking at your child for the first time.  Reality sets in that in just a few short days, you will be sent home - and that's it.  You have a child to raise. 

Be as it may, at this moment, all I want to do is love my boy. 

To my dearest Dylan...

My dear baby girl, in a couple of weeks your little brother will be joining our family.  Not a day has gone by in the last year that I don't wish you were here.  How different things would be if we had been able to do something that would have helped you to stay with us.

We would have celebrated your first birthday and you'd probably be walking and talking by now.  I see other families on the street with their baby girls and my heart aches for you, my angel. 

As Connor gets ready to make his grand entrance to the world. we've been preparing for life with baby.   So many things we planned for last year, but stopped, we had to complete now. 

I actually had a baby shower.  So many caring friends who mourned with us last year, gathered this year to celebrate in anticipation of your little brother.  Friday was my last day at work.  I've officially started  my maternity leave.  Your memory still in everyone's hearts, but they look forward to a new life for this little family - one that will start with tears of happiness this time.  I want to do the same, but it's so very hard.  I don't want to let you go.

I look around at what would have been your room and see all the cute pink things now replaced with blues and greens.  Your little leopard shoes are now storage.  In their place on the shelf, a little bunny dressed in blue.  A little bit of you for your little brother.  You were my little bunny.  Connor will be year of the Dragon. 

Oh my Dylan, how much I wish you were here in my arms today.  How I wish there was something I could have done for you.  All I can do is believe that you know how much you are loved, and that you will always be remembered as our first child.  Our precious baby girl.

I love you.  Forever and always.

The countdown begins

It's been an emotional journey, and we haven't even reached the end yet.  In all ways, this is just the beginning.  There have been many, many tears during the last 8 months.  Most of them in memory of my little girl. 

April 5th would have been Dylan's birthday.  Instead of a big one year celebration, my husband and I had a quiet evening thinking back on the year that still seems so surreal to us.  We each silently wished our baby girl birthday wishes and felt blessed that we had her for 25 hours. 

In celebrating her birthday, we knew that we would mourning our loss the next day.  It was a difficult two days to get through.  For me, I buried myself in my work and somehow I realized I was able to survive my first year without my daughter.

Today, April 27th, I look forward to the memory of walking down the aisle 11 years tomorrow to marry my best friend.  We didn't have the big celebration that I thought we would last year for our 10th anniversary - but you know... 

This year, we will start off our day at a baby class to learn how to bathe and diaper our baby one day.  Yes, we are clueless parents-to-be, but we're trying!  Afterward, we will go back to where we began our journey together and have dinner the Lafayette Park Hotel.  Maybe we'll see another couple starting their life together with a wedding in the courtyard.  It is April and a Saturday.  It will be heartwarming to see that.

We have 5 weeks left to go!  Our baby boy is due on June 1st.  Are we ready?  No.  Will we ever be?  No.  All I know is that we cannot wait to meet the little guy and to give him so much love.  Our whole family is very excited and I know when he takes his first breath and lets out his first sounds, I will finally be able to breathe again.

Week 30

We've reached week 30.  I can hardly believe it.  Last year at this time, at 29 weeks, we were given the news that our baby girl had congenital heart disease.  I was also going into preterm labor and was in the hospital for a week.  We didn't know if Dylan was going to be born two months early and if we were going to lose her right there and then.  From that point, it became a daily waiting game.

Ultimately, we had to say goodbye to our Dylan after just 25 hours of being born.  Our world crashed down and we've struggled to go back to a normal life.


A few months later, we were blessed with the surprise of being pregnant again.  This time, with a boy.  To be honest, I was crushed, because I wanted my Dylan back so much - I wanted a girl.  And in feeling that, I am so guilty for not loving this boy from start for who he is - not who wasn't able to replace for me.

There is no replacement of Dylan.  I realize that.  And this little boy will be her younger brother.  She will watch over him and protect him as only a big sister can.

The year of anniversaries begins...

Feb 4, 2011 - we went in for a routine third trimester ultrasound.  We saw our little girl on the screen and wondered at how big she was growing and looked forward to her arrival in two more months. 

Before we knew what was happening, I was apparently in pre-term labor, so I was being admitted to the hospital immediately.  Something didn't look right with the baby's heart and tests were being ordered.  Specialists being called in.  Thus began a week's stay at the hospital and our nightmare journey to try to save our baby.

We know where that story ended, but it's hard to believe all that began a year ago today.  The happiness we felt, the hope and future family with our little Dylan - all changed with one appointment, and we will never be the same.

We move on today with the anticipation of a little boy joining our family in June.  Dylan's little brother.  Still, the next couple of months will be hard to get through.  Too many memories, and none of them good.  Wishing to forget would mean forgetting about my little girl and I can't do that.

I miss my Dylan so much.